So it’s 26th September 2016 and we have had our tiny little human being that belongs to us in our lives for two whole weeks. Two weeks of crying every day with happiness (me and Danny), two weeks of floating on cloud 9, two weeks of feeling utterly blessed and surprisingly two weeks of feeling confident. I felt like I was born to do this, it came naturally to me and I didn’t feel these ‘baby blues’ that people spoke of! The general rule of thumb is that the baby blues hits you a few days after getting out of hospital however I felt nothing but sheer joy. That was until I woke up near enough two weeks to the day after giving birth and BAM I was hit with all emotions you could ever contemplate feeling all at once. Sadness, happiness, fear, jealousy, anger, love. All at once. I freaked out big time. I cried non stop for 48 hours. I genuinely believed I had post natal depression as I could not stop crying and I couldn’t see how I would ever stop crying. My mind was hazy and I couldn’t think properly. I constantly worried I was going to drop Evie or fall down the stairs holding her and I couldn’t watch the news because every time I saw something I immediately thought it was going to happen to my baby.
At the time I couldn’t see how I was ever going to overcome these feelings, they were such strong thoughts and emotions that I believed they would be with me forever. Now I realise that my hormones were all over the place (I had also just been diagnosed with PUPPS but that’s a story for another day!), my body had just had to cope with a hell of lot and it was totally normal to feel this way! You now are in charge of another human being, a human being who you love like you have never loved before; of course you are going to be all over the place! Anxiety + wild hormones = a little bit cray cray and that is totally okay! It’s okay not to be okay! You’re not alone. I could not have got through those few weeks without Danny and my Mum they were incredible. Post partum anxiety is probably the most normal and natural thing that can happen to you I just wish I knew this at the time!
I doubted myself so much when I was pregnant, would I be a good Mum? How would I cope? is Motherhood really for me? But from the second I met my baby girl my whole world just shifted. Everything fell in to place. No one had me down as a ‘natural’ mother and I’m okay with that! Even I knew that pre baby Emma didn’t come across as an overly ‘maternal woman’ (what ever that may be). Pre baby Emma was lazy, selfish, highly strung and stubborn. I make myself sound like a wanker, I probably was bit! I’ve never had confidence in myself with regards to anything, but surprisingly I doubted myself more during pregnancy than I did once I actually had Evie! Of course I still do doubt myself when it comes to parenting but at the same time I know I’m capable of making the best decision for my baby more than anyone else and that I was meant to do this. A lot of people say they lose themselves when they have a baby, well in fact I found myself and I’m not ever going to shy away that. Evie has changed me in more ways than I could have ever imagined and I am eternally thankful for that.